The State of The Non-Union Address
Okay, so out of the spirit of mending a broken heart, and the willful need of getting on with life, coupled with the thought process that more good came out of the last attempt, than bad. This could be a lie. I'm not sure. Time will tell. I went back on.
I am talking about going back on Lavalife... God, is this what's become of me.
The idea's sound: you take people who say they are single, "available", hopefully honest in their descriptions of themselves. You're not quite sure if they are because there is still room for a significant amount of doubt, but I do count myself among those people who haven't had their trust so trampled on that she can't ever trust another human being again. I also am quite gifted in sorting out the bullshit from the real stuff. I have been wrong before and I'm sure I will be wrong again, but leap I must. It's an annoying personal trait. A mandate, really. I do get myself in danger emotionally, but never a physical threat and certainly not a sexual one.
So, I'm back on again. At first I justified it as a means to flirting innocently with men. Some of them were great gorilla sized bohemoths, others were described as carrying "a few extra pounds". They were the sweet ones, but unfortunately I'm too vain to go out with them. The "average" men were just that. Fuck... the whole thing is completely depressing. I completely remember why I got off the thing in the first place. I'd made a nice connection with a fella I really liked, not really knowing if he was the One or not. But the fella who chose me, ended up dumping me... after I really liked him. Something I was not used to... at all.
I don't get dumped. I dump, not them. I'm not sure whether there was a lesson in that. I don't think I'm necessarily egocentric. I have a healthy ego. I believe in myself and truly think I'm fucking cool. Anyone would be lucky to be with me. So when I find someone who I actually like talking to, like spending time with and like having sex with and then that same person turns around and breaks up with me... Me?... it really throws this girl off. Especially when the girl thought things were going so well.
Maybe it's because I never truly understood why. I think it's important to be brave enough to explain the reasons why one person can't be with another person. It's only fair, really. I'd do it. I've done it. There can be a finality that way. Sometimes there's a risk of expressing need and the other feels he/she has to change to accommodate these requests. You can't really change a person unless that person really wants to change, for his/her own reasons.
I really don't have a list of set requirements. My requirements keep changing anyway.
This is what I think I want:
The man should not cut me off in conversation or on the road; should be expressive verbally, written (would be nice) and emotionally; should be sexually charged and should have honour and respect for me. These are requirements for a lifetime, not just for the first 6 months. Other than that I have absolutely no clear idea of who The One is or should be. Yes, it would be nice to be able to enjoy the same music. Yes, it would be nice to be able to colour and stylistically coordinate with my partner. Yes it would be so great if I could stand the way he ate or actually liked the way he smelled, even when sweaty. And I'd love, love, love it if we'd have the same political views and how we think the world should work. And it would be fantastic if he wasn't socially inept. Okay, well, maybe there are quite a few requirements. Fuck. Well, at least they aren't the base kind concerning annual income, type of car driven, whether he fucking golfs or not. Boo.
I do think people should be together. Forever with the same person? I don't know. It hasn't worked for me thus far and the ones that I've born witness to in staying together for decades seem lacklustre to me. There's some light that is so incredibly dim I can barely detect it in their eyes. I don't want that again. I had that before and it damn near killed me.
Speaking of which, I was out with my ex-husband/best friend last night. The lovely company we were keeping included many people he was previously friends with before we'd met. They were kept apprised of our new love developments of the time, in the beginning. The ex was very expressive in his emotions to others about me, but rarely ever to me directly. I'd hear endlessly from others, second hand, how wonderful I was apparently, but at home I had a friend, a colleague, a supporter, but not a lover. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, is what they say, but I've got to have the 4th, or I've got a best friend. Our friends had looked as us as the model couple. They based their marital aspirations on the "success" of ours. We were the poster children for what true love looked like. Turns out it wasn't that at all. Yes, we had great love. Yes, it sustained us for a long time, but somehow things fizzled. I was concerned I didn't do enough, demand enough, stamp my feet enough, but when I asked him whether I did that or not he said unequivacably I had done all of the above. He just couldn't meet my needs. And that's why things didn't work out. So I left. Many would have happily stayed.
Staid.
I'm not that kind of person.
So even though I miss the feel of a warm body next to mine, I love that I have the entire bed to myself. I love that I can listen to whatever music I want, for however long I want to at whatever volume I want to. I love that the messes I clean up are only my own. I love that there was no committee meeting over the placement of the couch, the colour in the bedroom or what I want to wear for the day. I love that I can go to the washroom with the door open. I love that I can have chips for breakfast without anyone giving me grief. That last one was actually coming from a place of love and concern for my health, so I guess I shouldn't have written that. However.... As lonely as I get sometimes, and as often as I can't see the forest for the trees in respect to thinking I'll never find anyone truly significant again, I'm glad I am alone and that I have the benefit of time and dear, dear friendship. That is the stuff I will be holding onto hopefully for the rest of my life.
Things change. I've changed. I continue to change and grow everyday. That's the best thing about me. I just have to learn to hold onto these changes and not judge myself too harshly because I regress every now and then. Well, let's be honest, every day. But there will be a healthy balance, I'm sure. And there will be someone very worthy of the love I possess.
Just not today. And that's alright.
I am talking about going back on Lavalife... God, is this what's become of me.
The idea's sound: you take people who say they are single, "available", hopefully honest in their descriptions of themselves. You're not quite sure if they are because there is still room for a significant amount of doubt, but I do count myself among those people who haven't had their trust so trampled on that she can't ever trust another human being again. I also am quite gifted in sorting out the bullshit from the real stuff. I have been wrong before and I'm sure I will be wrong again, but leap I must. It's an annoying personal trait. A mandate, really. I do get myself in danger emotionally, but never a physical threat and certainly not a sexual one.
So, I'm back on again. At first I justified it as a means to flirting innocently with men. Some of them were great gorilla sized bohemoths, others were described as carrying "a few extra pounds". They were the sweet ones, but unfortunately I'm too vain to go out with them. The "average" men were just that. Fuck... the whole thing is completely depressing. I completely remember why I got off the thing in the first place. I'd made a nice connection with a fella I really liked, not really knowing if he was the One or not. But the fella who chose me, ended up dumping me... after I really liked him. Something I was not used to... at all.
I don't get dumped. I dump, not them. I'm not sure whether there was a lesson in that. I don't think I'm necessarily egocentric. I have a healthy ego. I believe in myself and truly think I'm fucking cool. Anyone would be lucky to be with me. So when I find someone who I actually like talking to, like spending time with and like having sex with and then that same person turns around and breaks up with me... Me?... it really throws this girl off. Especially when the girl thought things were going so well.
Maybe it's because I never truly understood why. I think it's important to be brave enough to explain the reasons why one person can't be with another person. It's only fair, really. I'd do it. I've done it. There can be a finality that way. Sometimes there's a risk of expressing need and the other feels he/she has to change to accommodate these requests. You can't really change a person unless that person really wants to change, for his/her own reasons.
I really don't have a list of set requirements. My requirements keep changing anyway.
This is what I think I want:
The man should not cut me off in conversation or on the road; should be expressive verbally, written (would be nice) and emotionally; should be sexually charged and should have honour and respect for me. These are requirements for a lifetime, not just for the first 6 months. Other than that I have absolutely no clear idea of who The One is or should be. Yes, it would be nice to be able to enjoy the same music. Yes, it would be nice to be able to colour and stylistically coordinate with my partner. Yes it would be so great if I could stand the way he ate or actually liked the way he smelled, even when sweaty. And I'd love, love, love it if we'd have the same political views and how we think the world should work. And it would be fantastic if he wasn't socially inept. Okay, well, maybe there are quite a few requirements. Fuck. Well, at least they aren't the base kind concerning annual income, type of car driven, whether he fucking golfs or not. Boo.
I do think people should be together. Forever with the same person? I don't know. It hasn't worked for me thus far and the ones that I've born witness to in staying together for decades seem lacklustre to me. There's some light that is so incredibly dim I can barely detect it in their eyes. I don't want that again. I had that before and it damn near killed me.
Speaking of which, I was out with my ex-husband/best friend last night. The lovely company we were keeping included many people he was previously friends with before we'd met. They were kept apprised of our new love developments of the time, in the beginning. The ex was very expressive in his emotions to others about me, but rarely ever to me directly. I'd hear endlessly from others, second hand, how wonderful I was apparently, but at home I had a friend, a colleague, a supporter, but not a lover. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, is what they say, but I've got to have the 4th, or I've got a best friend. Our friends had looked as us as the model couple. They based their marital aspirations on the "success" of ours. We were the poster children for what true love looked like. Turns out it wasn't that at all. Yes, we had great love. Yes, it sustained us for a long time, but somehow things fizzled. I was concerned I didn't do enough, demand enough, stamp my feet enough, but when I asked him whether I did that or not he said unequivacably I had done all of the above. He just couldn't meet my needs. And that's why things didn't work out. So I left. Many would have happily stayed.
Staid.
I'm not that kind of person.
So even though I miss the feel of a warm body next to mine, I love that I have the entire bed to myself. I love that I can listen to whatever music I want, for however long I want to at whatever volume I want to. I love that the messes I clean up are only my own. I love that there was no committee meeting over the placement of the couch, the colour in the bedroom or what I want to wear for the day. I love that I can go to the washroom with the door open. I love that I can have chips for breakfast without anyone giving me grief. That last one was actually coming from a place of love and concern for my health, so I guess I shouldn't have written that. However.... As lonely as I get sometimes, and as often as I can't see the forest for the trees in respect to thinking I'll never find anyone truly significant again, I'm glad I am alone and that I have the benefit of time and dear, dear friendship. That is the stuff I will be holding onto hopefully for the rest of my life.
Things change. I've changed. I continue to change and grow everyday. That's the best thing about me. I just have to learn to hold onto these changes and not judge myself too harshly because I regress every now and then. Well, let's be honest, every day. But there will be a healthy balance, I'm sure. And there will be someone very worthy of the love I possess.
Just not today. And that's alright.
posted by Comrade Chicken at
4:03 p.m.
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