Have You Hugged a Drunk Today?

I work in a restaurant that gets pretty busy particularly on the weekends. It's not uncommon to have line-ups out the door and also not uncommon for people to be waiting for over 90 minutes. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but the food is really, really good and it's a fun environment, so I understand the appeal. Before working there it was my favourite restaurant.

I'd like to offer a tip, if I may be so bold. If you're going out for dinner, could you please call the restaurant and make a reservation either early (7pm) or late (9pm or later)? This ensures that two seatings can exist. If you come at 8:00 there can only, really, be one, which leaves a whack of people who are "starving" seething at the door. And we, the poor slobs that work at such establishments, have to deal with their outbursts. Couple an inordinately long wait with low blood sugar levels and high alcohol levels in the bloodstream and you get what happened on Saturday night.

When people wait they like to keep busy. Since we cut out the whole smoking thing in Toronto (cursed, cursed, cursed... nobody ever got my vote), unless one treks outside, huddling close to one another for warmth and companionship, there exists one less thing one can do in the Great Indoors. If you can, might I suggest eating at the bar. It's fun! I prefer to eat at the bar, rather than at a table, as you can share food better, maybe touch the thighs of people next to you and rub their backs (whether you know them or not). When it's packed at the bar and there's no room to eat, what some people think is really fun is performing the very bonding ritual of pounding shooters on an empty stomach.

Bad idea.

And shooters disappear rather quickly, and one still finds a need for a principal drink: Beer. Wine. 3oz Martini. Or all of the above, in succession.

Another bad idea.

And then once they're good and drunk there's always the possibility of not being a "Good Drunk". There are Good Drunks and there are Bad Drunks. Here are the basic characteristics:

Good Drunk
1. Laughs a lot, especially at her own jokes. (Okay, that's me)
2. Really generous and wants to buy everyone drinks, whether they know that person or not.
3. Keeps telling you how much they love you.
4. Thinks you're hot.
5. Is very sorry.
6. Says, "Okay" when you cut them off.
7. Tells amusing definitions as found on urbandictionary.com, such as The Harry Houdini

Bad Drunk
1. Loses hearing faculties and starts yelling everything they say.
2. Really "generous", buying people drinks but only so she doesn't drink alone and everyone thinks she's great.
3. Wants to show you how strong they are by either offering up an arm wrestle or a punch up.
4. Emphatically points... a lot.
5. Spits on you while trying to make a point that's been in the works for the last 20 minutes.
6. Is belligerent.
7. Forgets how to use her "words" and launches into a Tourettes-like profanity tyrade on how the world is unjust... just to her.
8. Starts shaking her neck.
9. Is never sorry, as it is YOUR fault.
10. ALWAYS ends up in tears (if it's a girl), or a punch-up (if it's a boy)

We had a little lady (4'6") come in who was waiting for over 90 minutes on Saturday night. Pretty blue eyes made slightly grotesque from the bulging induced by the hurling of obscenities and the lack of focused clarity which is fairly inherent with sobriety, but completely absent that evening. She was drunk and becoming more and more "Ghetto". Point #8 being a telltale sign in the Bad Drunk section. The little sprite turned troll.

The Caustic Elf was having difficulties because she invited guests, her clients, who had never been to our restaurant. It has received many fine reviews and is a fun little neighbourhood spot. The wait was a poor reflection on her and the poor little imp was losing it on every, to her, NBA player in the vincinity.

How to handle a Bad Drunk:
1. NEVER lose it. In this case, fire truly cannot fight fire.
2. If they are screaming, listen to them and tell them, in a very soothing tone, you truly understand what they're saying while gently rubbing their back. Touch therapy works. No slapping or patting of backs, just gently rubbing.
3. Let them know, still gently, if they're acting out of line, being rude or offensive. Drunks tap in very closely to their shame reflexes.
4. ALWAYS look them straight in the eye. It freaks them out and makes them sheepish.
5. Hug them. They love it! Who wouldn't? Though, fair warning, you may get groped.
6. Bring things to a close, similar to the end of a sales pitch, and let them know when it's time for them to leave.

Though I'm tempted, I can't add a #7, as I did something I'd never done before. As The Caustic Elf was more than a foot shorter than I, and I felt I was making headway with my Guideposts, I *kissed* her on her forehead and I think I patted her on her bum to send her back to her party. When I was telling Ack about this he said that action was dangerously close to condescension. Let's not mince words, it was condescension. She was acting like a little girl and little girls should be treated like little girls and little girls sometimes get kissed on the forehead. She liked it. After dinner I hand-fed her cheesecake in the great mother's style of a choo-choo train and the infamous "airplane", which the latter, incidentally, her party had requested I do.

Don't get too upset with the drunk people in your life, or if you are the drunk person in other peoples lives. I understand. I have a special little soft spot for drunks. I think a lot of drunk people are that way because they feel so much of the world's responsibility resting on their shoulders. Real or imagined. The Little Imp really wanted to make a good impression on her clients and things weren't working out as she'd planned. I don't think any of my closest friends haven't been seriously hammered to the point of violently hurling until their eyeballs felt like they were going to pop out of their sockets. I know that's happened to me. [A word to the wise: Stay clear from Smirnoff Black Label Vodka]

Please, if you can, try to understand where they came from to understand why they are in the state they are in. Oh, and give 'em a big hug.