Three: The Evolution of Change

Well, well... What to say? It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. There were times spent well and there were times absolutely misspent. Like youth. Like you.

What happened?

Well, I guess it was kind of like Life. Fully Life in all its intricacies. Take the highest high and dangle it on the end of spit. As the high plummets subterranean, jump up and down on it a few times. Go on. Make sure there's a big smeared piece of dog shit in there.

Three people converged. Not just three random people. Three people who were at once not helped nor hindered by their physical projections, as it does in Real Life. We'd only seen each other briefly in celluloid. Snapshots. Frozen in time. One blinking millisecond of our lives, reduced to a few single images that couldn't possibly encapsulate an entire being. Take these same three people who grew to understand the other's minds only. Blogs. Just the mind. It was a nouveau Vulcan Mind Meld. A Blogmeld. Once read and fully digested there was an understanding, albeit subjective. There is a definite love that grows when people are honest because through true honesty there is a compassion gained.

All of us are fully immersed in the Electronic Age. None of us are luddites. We see this thing as a tool. I've only seen this thing as humanity's gift. We became friends. We became very good friends. By not having a physical being hinder us, the only barrier was distance; but with the invention of flight all of that could change within a matter of hours. We no longer let distance hold us back. We leapt.

Though we were technically physical strangers, we were not strangers at all. There are things that have been read by all of the participants that not many others know about. In this realm, we can be a little braver. We can expose a bit more. Some were more ready to flash than others. Some were flagrant, bawdy streakers. Some were shy. Some were taught that the world was a stage of cold, potentially unforgiving elements. What was entirely in common with all of us was an undeniable passion. It projected in different ways, of course. We are all individuals after all. We all have different backgrounds, habits, safety nets. Our routine.

Humans, as much as having a routine is comfortable, not unsettling, need and crave change. Need to take things to the next level. We are curious by nature. We want desperately to have more connection with other humans. Like dogs, we are very social creatures. It's just that these days of insularity, busyness, time restrictions and a government hell bent on fear generation, it's very difficult to truly connect. Well, one thing is for certain; our routine was definitely mixed up.

Jason had pointed out how magical vacations could be because you could become anything you wanted to be. There was no one there who had known you for a very long time reminding you of who you are. On a trip, you can be anything you want to be.

I used have control issues. I used to have a spotless house. I used to be the perfect hostess. I used to plan everything. I used to be selfless and accommodating. I used to sacrifice myself. This time I had no plan. This time I just went with everything, seized moments and simply basked in the presence of each of these creatures who, through time, became divine beings to me.

What I felt during the 5 days I was there, in no particular order:
Gleeful anticipation
Nervous
So fucking happy
Offended
Angry
The only place I wanted to be, so much of the time
Shame riddled
Despondent
Aroused
Numb
Neurotic
Sad
Hot
Lucky
Spent
Frantic

On my last night there, weepy and alone in my hotel room, I was watching a movie on HBO. I figured I'd check out what I'd been missing for the last 9 months of no television. I remember once, when I was married, I used to get completely sucked into movies, berating my existence, because it really didn't have the level of drama or intensity that these stories conveyed. I lived vicariously through actor's lines. Writer's stories. In 5 days I'd felt the kind of drama that happens within the timeframe of a very intense 2 year relationship all folded and condensed into that minute amount of time. To have called the experience surreal is an understatement.

Destiny? Is there such a thing? Was I supposed to meet these people and only be with them? I think so. Would we have met if there was no such thing as Blogger? No, I don't suppose so.

I'd said to Worker during the trip that even if we did live in the same town, chances are we'd never meet. And even if we had physically met, under the regular conditions in which people meet, we'd never have the kind of connection we've felt for each other. But we did meet. There was enough beauty in our characters to inspire a meeting which turned out, through circumstances out of our control, to not be four, but to just be three.

Three.
The Holy Trinity.
The Triad.
The Pigs.
The Furies.
The Graces.
The Past, Present and Future.
The sum of human capability: Thought, Word and Deed.
The kingdoms of matter: Mineral, Vegetable and Animal.

And I think I like Pythagoras' musing the best. Three is the perfect number. It expresses it all: the beginning, the middle, and the end. These are the essential components of everything, especially a good story. We met by writing. We wrote to no one but ourselves in the beginning. Or an imaginary somebody. It turned out that some people were listening. It turned out that these people became very important to me. It turned out that I loved these people.

When you share intimate ideas and very personal stories, there is a bond that develops. These people have helped me through difficult times in my more recent past. I will not forget their aid. No matter what bad things happened during the trip, I will take with me the lessons I learned from them.

From both I learned a greater sense of optimism.
From both I learned a greater freedom of loving.
I learned to not be so afraid of being with someone again, just from seeing how much they were looking forward to further adventure with another.
I learned to forgive myself because even though my actions are often hasty, my intentions are pure.

My behaviour was a bit on trial during the weekend. I am complicit in the eyes of most of society. Admittedly I shame spiraled. But looking back at it now I regret none. I probably would have had regret had I not done everything I had. I felt responsible for someone getting hurt. But that was a lesson learned too. Through the hurt, someone eventually felt brave enough to be more honest. This was something that someone couldn't express before. That someone eventually freed himself to gain more of an emotional outreach.

Ollie Ollie Oxen Free.

All of us took something home that didn't fit into carry-on luggage. We couldn't claim it at customs. It was locked deep in our souls. Some of us are still fumbling for the keys. All of us took something back with us that was completely personal, which in the end was the best souvenir we could take home. We were all changed by the trip because we were all changed by each other. We took a risk that not everyone would have taken. We went on a whim. A dream. We took a chance. We had no guarantees it would pan out one way or the other. What we imagined would happen, wow... didn't happen. Not in the way we thought, anyway. But, I will maintain, things are for a reason. Though there were hard and bitter feelings at times, I have the greatest hopes that things will be just fine. Just different. And that's okay because change is good. Change is necessary.

One thing is for certain: We are all changed by the process. We are changed simply by the act of not just talking about it, but by fully actuating. We had experienced the most extraordinary moments of Life, running the full gamut from misery to bliss.

We lived.

It was an experiment in a chemistry lab. Three very powerful chemical components were stirred gently within a beaker, heated rather quickly over a Bunsen burner. Each was highly reactive to the other elements, but in very unique ways. Every chemical reacts differently when introduced to another. When observed, no two things react the same way to the same stimuli. The reaction was as explosive as a birthing process. Blood, gore, placenta and euphoria.

And was it worth it?

Every... single... second of it.

I miss them already.